SBA: Fat Fat Fatty Fat

So, the magazine I work for was sponsoring the Turnabout Ball in Sacramento this year. This is a drag ball where drag queens go as boys and boys who don’t do drag put on gowns and makeup and go as girls. Since we were sponsoring, our entire office did the deed and dressed in drag. None of us have any interest in drag, so it was difficult for us to sacrifice our facial hair for the one night event. But we did it and it was actually fairly fun. (Picture is posted below).

So…after the ball I changed out of drag, but the rest of the boys stayed in drag as we went to the video bar across the street where everyone but me got sloshed. So here I was, a large man (something taboo in the gay community and these days in the bear community as well) and I had no facial hair, which I realized I wear as a mask. And because I look better with it. But after doing drag and camping it up and being in the bar with no facial hair and no one staring at me, I suddely felt like I had this breakthrough in my continual self-consciousness. I let go and had fun just being me and didn’t think about my weight or beardlessness or anything.

When we left the bar, all 5 of us went the the next door gay burger joint to get food for the drunkies and head back to Publisher’s apartment several blocks away. We were having a fun time waiting and had bought everyone’s meal. the place was full of drunks. Skinny, young, pretty, drunk men. When they called my name I went up and grabbed the two bags of food and one of the men along the wall said quite loudly, “Looks like you don’t need anymore.”

Now being overweight and gay snce I was old enough to walk, think, whatever, I am no stranger to redicule and bullying. But as I got older, it’s been farther and fewwer in between. But on the one night I felt myself leave a little more of my insecurity behind, here comes someone who feels he can just reach out and smack the good feelings off of me because I am different than he is. I am “less-than” him. So he has the right to try to hurt me. I walked away first embarrassed, but as I took a few steps I spoke up saying, “Looks like someone needs to shut the fuck up.”

Of course after the fact I wish things…I wish I’d said it louder. I wish I’d turned and confronted him. I wish…. But saying anything in defending myself is a big step for me. So I am proud of myself for at least acknowledging that I am worthy of respect. And self respect.

I’m the one in the middle in the below picture. Publisher is on the left. Salesman is on the Right.