SBA: Revelations About Men on Mondays

An Email to Nephi from Last Thursday Night:

I’m sitting here at work…it’s Thursday night and I am kinda feeling crappy, plus I feel feverish, it’s a rainy cold day, I’m still letting the money thing weigh on me and I feel like I got nothing accomplished today. Everyone in the office is having problems. Salesman’s eyes hurt and are all red and swollen and Publisher’s sinuses are so bad they are blocking his hearing. I am just…here…wanting to go home, but have to work the program tonight at the bar. I keep listening to really depressing music, but I’m just in the mood to hear it. It’s like each song folds over me like a warm, comforting blanket, but still just depressing the fuck outta me. I played Cyndi Lauper’s Hymn To Love, which is my grandmother’s funeral song started thinking of Bah and how she wanted so badly to be loved by everyone, yet made it so impossible for us to love her.

Anyway, that made me think about family and the men in my family and suddenly I had this weird revelation that I have never loved any of the men in my family. My great-grandfather (Papa) died when I was four. I am sure I loved him as much as little kids can, but I don’t remember it or much of him. Of course, I was four—I probably loved whoever gave me the cookie. When I was about 5-8 I loved my Uncle Shane—even after what he did to us kids. My father—I know I wanted his attention, but mostly I remember his constant wanting to control me. I remember waiting for him to take me to Muppets On Ice when I was like 6 or 7. I got all cleaned up and sat by the back door and waited and waited…and he never showed up. Then I found out he took his girlfriend’s kids instead. I remember never believing him after that night. And never believing IN him after that night as well. My other uncles and male cousins I was never close with or knew very well. I never bonded with, or truly LOVED, any of the male members of my family.

But, on the other hand, my mother and CD are probably the only female members I ever really loved. I did love my grandmother until I was about 11. That’s when everything turned so bad with her. I’m sure Freud would say this is why I am gay—yeah, whatever.

Now back to Monday (tonight) (again at work late) …

I had a restless weekend. I hated my Netflix choices so I ended up watching a great DVD series from work called Lost Worlds where they rebuild lost civilizations. It was addicting. Then went to T-Dawg’s for an Oscar Party where we all sat around and ate and dished and rolled our eyes at the winners (like I really knew much of what what going on this year). I am glad Jennifer Hudson won and I want to see the movie about Queen Elizabeth now. She gets a bad rap, but I like the ol’ gal. “You disrespectin’ my family?”

So, I have been thinking as of late that I may be at a point in my life where I maybe, kinda, sorta, perhaps, perchance, it may seem, about, be like … ready to venture into relationship land. In my life, relationships have always been a great destroyer. They take people you love “away”. Plus with working so much and enjoying my friendships much more than dealing with what I see others going through with “space issues” and blah blah blah…it just all seems a bit of the ol’ “why bother?”

But, I was sitting on the couch at the Oscar Party and there was a guy I have known for a few months who was a little flirty. We’re not really compatible, but he’s cute and sweet and passionate about gay rights. I was sitting on the couch and he came over and laid out on the couch with his legs over mine. My hand rested on his thigh, my thumb tracing circles on the side of his knee, we watched the show with an ease I haven’t often felt. It was the ease of mutual interest, but with no expectations.

As I examined the night later (I’m a Scorpio, I analyze everything), I remembered that it was those moments—the quiet, relaxed moments of togetherness—that can make being with someone so special. It was neither “this”, nor “that”, it simply “was”. If we could learn to let our relationships “just be”, then perhaps we would find the perfect relationships we all strive for. But, then again, if not for the ups and downs, would we be able to really appreciate those moments that simply “are?” I dunno … but I think I’m ready to find out.